Hometown Heroes

Living in Los Angeles for the past few years I've gotten used to the response people give me when I tell them that I'm from Baltimore.

"Oh shit, The Wire, right?"

Yes, right and in making that statement LA's collective knowledge of not only the city of Baltimore but the entire state of Maryland is exhausted.

I think this arises from two things. To begin with, the people who call Los Angeles home occupy an augmented reality where LA is the center of the universe. Yes, you may have missed that day in science class but it is true, the sun revolves around the sprawling metropolis and anything outside its borders are of little or no importance. This works out quite well because the city goes on forever, so actually getting outside of it can prove difficult.

There are a few exceptions, places that are deemed worthy of existence by Angelinos. Las Vegas, Palm Springs, Malibu, a few more here and there. The list is short and the rules governing it are complicated. For one, only specific parts of these places exist but others do not.

The strip in Vegas for example exists to them, however downtown Las Vegas certainly does not. Who would ever venture there? The seasons can effect these places existence as well.

Palm Springs in the winter is definitely on the radar screen, in the summer not a chance, with the exception of Coachella weekend. The map of the world according to the LA resident is a strange, funny looking place.

Baltimore certainly does not exist, just doesn't make the cut. Well, it does, but only through the eyes of David Simon and the HBO network, not in actuality but only as an idea, an hour long weekly TV series that may as well be detailing a foreign country. If only he could get a movie deal,well, they'd probably just end up filming in LA anyway.

The second part of this curse arises from the fact that Maryland, let's face it, isn't exactly the most recognizable state. Seriously, grab a pen and draw your best outline of the state. I bet it isn't pretty. Certainly doesn't have that trademark look of say Texas or Florida.

It may very well be one of the least identifiable states in the US, so small and thoroughly filled by the Chesapeake that on almost every map the initials MD are printed somewhere out in the blue of the Atlantic with a little black line connecting them to Maryland itself.

The Wire apparently hasn't reached Thailand yet because the only look I get from telling people I'm from Baltimore is a blank stare that makes Pluto seem like a more valid answer. To combat this I must admit that I've sold out to a city I really haven't spent much time in other than for school field trips and one disastrous trip to the national Christmas tree.

Here I tell people I'm from Washington, DC which is met with an "Ahhh" and an occasional "Obama" that comforts me into believing they know where it is.


I've become a bit of a fraud. An English major from Baltimore posing as a literature major from Washington, DC. Not huge changes, I'm not trying to pass myself off as an MLB all-star or Nobel Laureate, this isn't Frank Abagnale shit here but it's enough for me to feel a bit weird.

To make up for this lack of loyalty and sordid affair I've begun to carry on with D.C. I've compiled my first ever, super official list of totally noteworthy Baltimore related people and things.

The Deathset

For a long time The Deathset were my favorite band and they are still sitting somewhere in my top five. The first time I saw them was with my little brother 2 years ago at a Christmas show. Neither of us knew who they were but halfway through their set amps had been scaled, stage lights had been torn down and I was completely sold.

They are pure energy and played along side Matt and Kim for what very well maybe my favorite concert of all time, where the only negative of the night was my glasses being unceremoniously stomped in a pool of Colt 45 under the jumping feet of the what seemed to be the entire crowd and the ensuing, incredibly ill advised drive home.

RIP B.V.

Dan Deacon

The "I-seriously-don't- give-a-fuck-what-you-think-about-me" sweatsuit rocking, balding man behind the best dance parties in the world. Johnny Sierra of the previously mentioned Deathset was quoted once as saying that, "Nerds are the people who aren't afraid to spaz out." There is no better embodiment of this quotation than Deacon. A nerd, a weirdo and 100% cool with it all. Now everyone seems to want to join the outsider.

Charles Bukowski

Bukowski was certainly a dark horse for this list. Poe is always everyone's front runner for Baltimore poet and it is not without good reason. Bukowski lived in Charm City for 7 years and I knew he had to be included. He could drink you under the table, kick the shit out of you, steal your girlfriend and then write about the entire experience in a brilliant poem.


Vintage Orioles Jersey

I'm not going to try and pass myself off as an Orioles fan. Honestly, at this point, who would ever want to do that? But the old Orioles jerseys are some of the best in athletic aesthetics not just in baseball but across the board. It is a triple threat they are dealing here. The jerseys rep the hometown and say "Baltimore" a look the team just decided to resurrect this year. The orange stirrups are a baseball classic, none of those over sized, ill fitting pajama pants that are popular with players today and finally the cherry on top. A sweaty, wool cherry in the form of the famous tri-color hat with the cartoon bird. Bring it back already.

Is there something written on the bottom of his bat?

Kevin Clash

The voice and more importantly the hand up the ass of some of the most memorable puppets of all time. Puppets? Yes, puppets and damn well known ones at that. Try Master Splinter from TMNT, Elmo from Sesame Street and most of the cast from the incredibly fucking strange mid-nineties sitcom Dinosaurs. Revisit that one sometime if your in the mood to be thoroughly creeped out.

Thanks Baltimore.