Friday, October 30, 2009

'Cause It's Friday....

By this point you maybe wondering why I have no posts about actually teaching and the simple answer to that is, I haven't started teaching yet.

I've spent this week observing classes, stumbling through Thai phrases, getting lost, locked in my apartment (thought this was impossible), breaking my door knob, being introduced to a 3,000 strong student assembly while they were dressed in scout uniforms, autographing 50 student notebooks (I really need to work on my speed if I ever plan on becoming famous) and being saved by students while disastrously attempting to order lunch.

On Monday I will start my official schedule but today I was a guest teacher for the PE basketball class. Yes, me. I can hear the laughter as you all read this.

Word spread around school quickly and soon there was about 1,000 students gathered around to watch the white Horace Grant take on the locals. I'm just glad they didn't have to pay any money to watch me play, they most certainly would have wanted a refund.

Pulled down a few rebounds and had a basket or two before the suffocating humidity got the best of me. If I keep sweating like this I'll be invisible by the time I get home.

The video below pretty much sums up the atmosphere of the entire thing.



That is all until Monday. Sending you into the holiday weekend with Tracy Morgan's bat shit crazy Halloween jam. Stay safe kids, check your candy before you eat it.

Thursday, October 29, 2009

One Ton Bob Dylan

After departing Bangkok I headed for a 2 day trip with my fellow teachers to Kanchanaburi, a town west of Bangkok. The bus ride took place in the pouring rain, but was made more entertaining by the bus bathroom which was so small that Frodo Baggins would have had trouble using it.

Since arriving I've thought about taking to wearing a helmet at all times seeing as knocking my head has become a very frequent occurrence.

In Kanchanaburi we visited an elephant park where I witnessed an elephant play the harmonica. Completely unnatural, a bit odd and yet at the same time wholly entertaining. The performance really got me thinking and I now give you my top 3 unnatural animal superstars. With a bit of practice, the elephant could crack this list.

3. Bear Playing Hockey



Look, I'm impressed by this video. Some poor bastard had to risk his life training this beast but when it comes down to it, the bear just isn't that good. The fundamentals are lacking and the way he is wobbling on those skates looks like he may have been throwing back some vodka before he took the ice.

2. Dog Riding Bike



Lance better watch out. Before he knows it this bike riding dog is going to be chasing his ass up the alps and down the Champs-Élysées.

1. Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey



Whiplash is the winner by a landslide. The costume, the smile, the charisma. This is a monkey who clearly loves what he is doing and damn does it show. If your not impressed by this I got nothing for you. It's a monkey riding a dog.

One more of Whiplash doing his thing to take you into Friday.

FAH-Qing FAQ

In which I interview myself to let you know about my life in Thailand.

What do you do?

Currently I'm an English teacher in Phitsanulok Thailand. I teach secondary students (seniors), as well as one kindergarten class.

How many students are there at your school?

3,000 but I think they maybe counting the little ones as halves, because it seems like a lot more, especially when you are on a podium in front of all of them.

Why did you choose to go to Thailand?

I've never been to Asia and I'm also pretty sure one of those old Microsoft wallpapers was one of the beaches here, I'll let you know if I make it there.

Do you speak Thai?


No, but I'm pretty good at charades, which helps. I'm also trying my best to learn as much as possible.

Where do you live?

In Phitsanulok in an apartment that I share with one large gecko. He eats the bugs, so I let him stay.


In honor of the new job, I'm sending you out with one of film's greatest teacher/student rivalries. Mr. Hand vs. Jeff Spicoli.

"This is US History, I see the the globe right there."

Oh No, Dina, Jack Can Talk Thai. Jack Talked Thai Real Well

New York maybe the city that never sleeps, but its constant insomnia is due to real world worries. Bangkok is the city that never sleeps because it has spent the last 5 hours sucking down hyper strength Red Bull and some form of cheap whiskey sloshed together in an over sized plastic bucket.

The vans, the buses, the tuk tuks, the cars, the motorbikes, the bicycles; The streets in Bangkok look something like a chaotic aquarium of motorized vehicles, where pedestrians are the hapless guppies.

The city spreads out along every side of you, dotted with skyscrapers and threaded with highways. The highways themselves are lined with a seemingly endless number of billboards. Huge billboards, billboards that would make Texans jealous.

To be honest orientation for teaching took up most of my time here, but I did travel to the famous, perhaps more infamous, Khaosan Road as well the Grand Palace.

Both places were experiences in their own right. The Grand Palace has served as the official residence of the Kings of Thailand since the 18th century and is incredibly beautiful. It also attracts some of the worst dressed tourists on planet Earth. Think mid nineties NFL sideline Zubaz with a Jimmy Buffett flair.

On the other end of the spectrum was Khaosan Road. The insanity of this short street is truly difficult to describe. On one side of the street you can purchase a counterfeit degree from any top university and on the other you can snack on fried insects while watching people precariously balancing beer bottles. It made Venice Beach look tame.

Thais, backpackers, expats with Thai girls (Who says money can't buy love?), Khaosan has it covered. People will have their opinions, but seeing it first hand had to be done.

If you need visual aids, feel free to hit up Google Images for pictures that are probably far better than any I would have taken had I brought a camera.

Roll the Credits

I started this blog in an attempt to let people know what I'm doing in Thailand over the next year. Instead of sending long emails to people who already get far too many I thought this would give everyone the chance to read on their own and not get unwanted rambling spam from yours truly.

Before I start posting pictures of me awkwardly standing in front of temples, elephants and waterfalls, which will inevitably ruin their beauty and cultural value, I thought I should give a few "Thank Yous" to the people over the past year who helped me get here.

My Mom: Not a chance in Hell I would be here with out her getting me organized and scrambling to get my Visa. You've saved my ass a million and one times, I promise I'll find a way to repay you. I'm thinking a beach house, a big one.

Mike McKee and everyone involved in WWOOF USA: "Life's a garden...."

The nut jobs, maniacs, jackasses and more than anything friends who have ever been involved in that residence on 707 West 28th St.: You all know who you are. Let the good times roll, L&R.

The Los Angeles Bike Community and especially the Los Angeles Burrito Project: Keep the rubber side down and stay weird.

The ladies of Tatter5, PDX and Ridgeview: Sisters that I never had, thanks for putting up with all my shit and dealing with me on your couches every morning.

That lady at the rest stop in Washington State: I have no idea who you were, but you had me believing that grass patch by the freeway was a beach in the Bahamas, awesome, just awesome.

All the rest of my family and friends who let me crash at their place, had positive words and helped me along the way. Thanks

For the time being this is going to be a fairly words only operation because my camera is currently collecting dust in an EZ Storage halfway around the world in a Gardena, California industrial park.

So to answer the questions now: Yes, I came to Thailand without a camera. Yes, I have been reminded multiple times how incredibly stupid this was. Yes, I'm trying to get one.

And with the opening credits out of the way, here it goes....